CAMERA PHONES My phone has "Push" email. Text messaging. "Always on" AOL Instant Messenger. Jay-Z's "99 Problems . . ." ringtone for all female callers. A Bluetooth wireless headset. Speakerphone. It even has a firewall. Yes, a firewall. But, I'll tell you what it does not have: a camera.

Almost every time I leave the house, I run into some clown who insists on whipping out the camera phone to capture precious moments. In restaurants. In malls. In Borders. You name it. Here's a tip: suck it up, get a real job and buy yourself an actual camera.