Who Cares If Kobe Did It?

by M. Devlin Cooper --

Let’s be honest. Americans have three primary goals:
(1) Sex,
(2) Altered States of Consciousness (i.e. Drugs, Alcohol, & Politics), &
(3) Sports.

Sports stars are celebrities. They aren’t normal people. They can’t be treated as such. Take pro-football. We tune in every Sunday to watch these guys beat the hell out of each other. Golf? We tune in every Saturday and Sunday to watch rich aristocrats spank a ball around the woods (or at least we tune in when Woods is in woods). Basketball? Well, everyone tunes in to watch the Lakers at least.

And that brings us to the point. Kobe Bryant is the pre-eminent star today. Sorry, Shaq. Go on a diet, learn how to ball, and maybe we’ll change our minds. Anyway, we diverge. Maybe Kobe did do it. Maybe he didn’t (which we are inclined to believe). But does it really matter? NO. If Kobe were to go to jail, there would be great social losses and private losses.

Let’s start with society—our most important concern. If Kobe goes to jail, Lakers ratings go down. If Lakers ratings go down, then basketball (which is struggling as it is) goes under. This ties directly into American Priority Three—Sports.

Now, there is a legitimate econometrical study done by the eminent economist Raul Swick that needs to be understood at this juncture. According to this study, any time at all that Kobe spends in jail (say even just an hour) is indeed an extreme harm to society(decrease in social wealth). Swick’s study involves the Hallsmenn multiplier. In this case, the multiplier—which is arrived at through an in-depth, objective study—was found to be $75,834,893. From this we can obviously see that even an hour spent by Kobe in jail reduces social wealth by $75,834,893.

Now, let’s consider the personal losses involved. First and foremost, little Natalia Bryant, Kobe’s daughter, has to grow up without a father. Second, Vanessa has to live without a husband, raise a child on her own, suffer from a loss of her husband’s income string, and remain celibate. How many young, black American males are currently or have been in prison? The number is over 50 percent, obviously our system is racist on that fact alone. Finally, do you think Kobe is going to prosper in prison? No. Look at Mike Tyson. What did prison do for him? He was sent up the river for a girl he was convicted of sexually assaulting, and now, he wishes he had. Aren't these type of psychological confusion tactics illegal under the Geneva Convention? That’s like having Saddam come into the room denying that he had any Weapons of Mass Destruction, getting executed by Bush, and then coming back as a ghost saying, “I wish I’d had me some of those damn WMD’s.”

So, what’s the solution then? Simple. Professional athletes are above the system. The issue is not whether or not they committed a crime. Who cares? It doesn’t matter because we are not going to punish them. Think of all the time and money we could have saved during Juice’s trial if we didn’t care whether he stabbed and killed the two victims. I mean, in the end, we reached the same result anyway—namely, OJ is still free. In the interest of promoting social wealth, equality and eliminating racism, these athletes should be set free.

Now, don’t get confused. This same logic does not apply to collegiate athletes or female athletes (unless Jenna Jameson is a female athlete). In the case of collegiate athletes, they should be eligible to go to jail. It must be understood though that while in jail, the state shall fund and supervise their conditioning training and weightlifting in order to ensure they are higher quality, more marketable athletes upon release. Just look at the Russian gymnastics teams before the fall of the USSR. I mean, what red-blooded American wasn’t in awe of those broad-shouldered, brazen beauties?

Obviously female athletes don’t matter. Who watches female sports? Anyone? And the Colonial Golf Tournament that Anna participated in doesn’t count here! Remember, that was a male sporting event in which she participated by invitation!

Let’s recap. No one cares if Kobe is guilty or innocent. It’s bad for society to send him to jail either way. It’s bad for his daughter, wife, and him if he goes to jail. We could have saved a lot of time in the 1990s if no one cared if OJ was guilty. No professional athletes should go to jail. College athletes are different. Females don’t count (kind of like before they were given the right to vote). And finally, FREE KOBE BRYANT!